


The New Age of Tension

by Tkorg



Series: Device of the Fidgets [2]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Anxiety, Attempted Suicide, Bruce Banner & Tony Stark Friendship, Bucky Barnes Feels, Dreams and Nightmares, Evil Steve, Hurt Tony, Hurt Tony Stark, Identity Issues, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, Memory Loss, Mental Disorders, OOC Steve Rogers, OOC steve, Past Clint Barton/Phil Coulson, Past Relationship(s), Past Tony Stark/Steve Rogers/James 'Bucky' Barnes, Scott is a little shit, Slut Shaming, Steve is a jerk, Suicidal Thoughts, Tea, Tony Stark Feels, Tony Stark Has A Heart, Tony Stark Has Issues, Tony Stark Needs a Hug, Tony Stark-centric, and Steve broke it, fidget spinners - Freeform, steve's a dick
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-31
Updated: 2018-12-07
Packaged: 2018-12-09 12:45:54
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 18
Words: 17,351
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11669403
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tkorg/pseuds/Tkorg
Summary: Tony is dealing with the aftermath of his relationship with Steve and Bucky. (Part 2 of "Device of the Fidgets")





	1. Dealing With Intruders In 10 Steps

**Author's Note:**

> I'm vague as fuck, if you haven't read the first story of the series, probably should. 
> 
> If you're here from the other story, I did find a beta and they are awesome. If you like spideypool and Hamilton fics, then you would love their writing! They are kili_deadpool.

Dealing With Intruders In 10 Steps

Tony fisted the sheets tightly, rolling closer to the man laying next to him. His breathing hitched as his dreams took a turn for the worse.

He never exactly had good dreams before... the best were empty of any substance or they were sexual, but easily forgettable. The nightmares... they were vivid, nerve-wracking, and memorable. It had been that way since Afghanistan and had only gotten worse. 

His dream had started like any other, all black with the feeling of falling. No sound, no light- just the never ending wind impacting his body. He felt like he couldn't breathe, the air getting stuck in his lungs. His mind flashed back to Afghanistan, the terrorists dunking his head into water until he couldn't breath and bringing him up as dots covered his vision. 

Something glowed in the darkness. Tony tried to focus on it, his head hurting. It was two dots of light, shining bright, too bright. He blinked, a blue colour becoming apparent. It was cold yet burned to look at. Tony averted his gaze, then looked back, the two blue lights were suddenly connected to a face, a familiar face.

Steve... 

Tony snapped his eyes open, breathing heavily. He rolled on his back, staring up at the ceiling. He took deep breaths, tracing his collar bone. Fuck. All he could think about was Steve. He closed his eyes, trying to erase the image of the man from his mind. He shook as he felt a warm hand on his own and lips on his temple. 

"Bad dream?" T'Challa slurred, though still sounding concerned. Tony nodded, nuzzling his head in the other man's neck. It was just a bad dream.

*****

Tony bitterly sipped his tea. It tasted a bit off- of course, everything felt a bit off since last night. He looked at the liquid in his iron man mug. He inspected it a bit closer as he saw something swim around in the dark liquid. Were they tea leaves? Tony shook the cup a bit, expecting the clump to disband. It didn't. The fuck was in his cup? Tony's stomach flipped as the thing moved... sticking itself to the side of his cup. Was it crawling? 

Tony dropped his cup as the creature climbed up to the rim of the mug. Fuck this shit. Before the glass shattered to the ground, a man flung from the liquid, falling on the ground and growing into a normal size. Tony did a double take, glaring at the man laying on his floor. 

"What the fuck?" Tony stepped over the broken mug, hovering over the seemingly unconscious man. Tony recognised the suit. How could he not remember the red and black suit that chose the side of Captain Fucking America? Tony grabbed the man's shoulder, blanking on his name. Okay, he wasn't that memorable... 

*****

Tony straightened in his seat as the man that he had undressed down to his underwear and tied to a dinning chair came to. It was a bit weird, but Tony didn't want to give him any chance at getting away. The idea of T'Challa coming back from his jog and seeing the situation, came to Tony's mind then quickly disappeared as the other man woke up.

 "What the fuck? Why am I tied up?" The man yelled, rocking his body back and forth in his bonds. Good thing Tony had been in the Boy Scouts for five seconds, which was long enough to learn how to make hella good knots. 

"Why the fuck were you in my house?" Tony leaned forward, narrowing his eyes. He was trying to be intimidating, but his snoopy pyjama pants took the potential bad-assery away. 

The other man tightened his jaw, staring at Tony straight on. Tony dug his nails into his leg. Fuck, he didn't think about the chance of him not talking. He was a pathetic interrogator. He needed Natasha. He should've called Natasha.

"Look, whatever your name is, I don't-" 

"Wait, you still don't know my name?" 

"No." Tony said as if it was obvious. 

"That hurts man." 

"I hope it does, now, why are you in my home? Are you spying on me for Hammer, or are you just a fucking creep?" Tony never thought Hammer would stoop as low as hiring off-brand heroes to spy on Tony to steal his ideas. 

"Who the hell is Hammer?" Tony frowned. Well, he was out of ideas. 

"SHEILD? You here because SHEILD doesn't know what phone calls and communication is?" 

"No." The man answered, looking bored. Tony bit his thumb's nail. God, he wished he was half as cynical as everyone thought, then maybe he'd be able to do... whatever the fuck he was doing better. It was more than pitiful that he felt the need to google a WikiHow on interrogation. 

"Okay, I see how it's going to be." Tony said in the most bruiting voice he could muster. He was left to rummage through this shithead's stuff. Tony picked up the suit, feeling the pockets. A hard rectangular object sparked his attention. Tony pulled out a phone. 

"This yours?" 

"No, it's not mine." The man returned. Tony raised his eyebrows. He pressed the home button, unlocking the phone instantly. This was one dumb motherfucker. 

"You keep your phone unlocked?" 

"Constantly typing a password gets on my nerves." He shrugged, well as much as he could in his position. 

Tony nodded, going to his calls section. His grip on his phone became hard as his eyes scanned over the contact named 'Steve'. 

"Steve? You're working for Steve?" Tony spit out the super soldier's name as if it was acid in his mouth. The bound man didn't move. Well, he was loyal if he was anything. Tony shook his head, pressing the 'call' button before his brain caught up with his actions. 

"Hello? Scott?" Tony's hands shook a bit as he sucked in a breath. 

"No. Scott's a bit... preoccupied at the moment." 

"Tony? Tony, what... how are you?" 

"Don't really need to ask, since you sent a spy to answer that question for you." Tony said acrimoniously. 

"You don't understand... Tony, I just-" 

"Pick your trash up before I do something I regret." Tony rancorously muttered, hanging up. He chucked the phone at Scott, not realising the other man couldn't catch it. He exhaled deeply, hoping it would relive the heavy weight on his chest. No such luck.


	2. Bye Boy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony makes Steve take out the trash.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I shorted T'Challa to T in the story but I am stilling thinking up pet names Tony could call him.

Bye Boy 

"Why is there a half naked man tied to our furniture?" T'Challa asked, kissing Tony on the cheek as he eyed the bound man.

He had grown used to Tony's behaviours. He was used to finding random little spinning devices with diverse colours and patterns around the flat, he was used to Tony needing to be physically touching T'Challa if they were in the same room, and he was used to how the engineer murmured to himself in his sleep. Those things were innocent and adorable... this was questionable. 

"Oh, that's Scott. Our little peeping Tom." Tony answered nonchalantly. 

"Are you planning on inflicting vengeance on him, because I advise heavily against that."  

"No, Steve's picking him up." Tony explained, noticeably quieter. He wasn't sure what reaction he would get. They had only been together for a couple of weeks. He had been with Steve way longer and still wasn't able to predict his responses. Maybe Tony just hadn't paid enough attention...

"Alright." T'Challa nodded, sitting down in the chair Tony was no longer preoccupying. Tony furrowed his eyebrows. Nothing? 

"You're okay with that?"

"Of course." The Wakandan confirmed, giving Tony a small smile. "Whatever you think is best." 

"You're not upset..." 

"Why would I be upset? Do you want me to be upset?" 

"No, no. I just... " Tony searched his mind for the right words. He wasn't sure if there were any. He didn't want T'Challa upset with him... but, it felt so off for him not to be. If Tony had brought one of his ex lovers around Steve, it would have been a huge fucking deal, especially if Tony hadn't told him before he made the decision. "It's a bit weird I guess." Tony rubbed his forefinger against his thumb, feeling his heart race. Jesus, why was he so emotional all of the sudden? 

He pulled out the NASA fidget spinner, which T had gotten him a couple of days ago and flicked it around. T'Challa stood up from the chair, wrapping his arms around Tony's waist. 

"You alright?" He whispered into Tony's ear. Tony nodded. He had no reason not to be; the fact that he was so nervous was odd. There was nothing to be worried about. He hadn't done anything wrong, yet he couldn't help but feel like something bad was going to happen. 

Tony let out a shaky moan as T'Challa kissed the spot behind his ear that never failed to get a verbal reaction out of him. 

"Hey, can you guys not do that in front of me? I'm all for one love and such, but I kind of don't want a Magic Mike presentation of it." Tony opened his mouth to make a remark about the hypocrisy of that statement coming from the guy who had spied on them, but a loud buzzing cut him off. He looked over to the floor by Scott, his phone laying there lit up with an incoming call. Tony moved away from T'Challa, which he hated doing, and looked down at the caller. Steve. Great. 

"Hello?" Tony asked once he picked the phone up. 

"Happy won't let me up. He needs you to tell him that I am allowed in the building." Tony rolled his eyes at the bitterness in Steve's tone. What did he expect? To be able to waltz back in like nothing happened? No, he couldn't. Tony made sure of it.

"Happy, let Steve in." Tony sighed, not too excited to have super soldier back in his home. 

*****

Steve crossed his arms, finally walking inside the building he once called home. It was freezing outside, but at least not as cold as the night Tony kicked him and Bucky out. He remembered the silent, shameful walk they did all the way to SHEILD, in their underwear. He wasn't sure what part he hated more, the humiliation or the quietness. 

He sighed as he walked into the elevator, pressing Tony's new floor number. He hummed some meaningless tune until the doors opened again. He frowned, not looking over at Scott. He was too caught up with the 'show' of Tony sitting on T'Challa's lap, giggling about something on the other man's phone. 

He cleared his throat, causing Tony to almost jump right off T'Challa. Steve held back a smirk at the 'kid caught with his hand in the cookie jar' look that flashed over Tony's face before he recomposed himself. Some things never change. 

"Did you really have to tie him up?" Steve queried, shaking his head. He started working the knots loose, freeing Scott. 

"I didn't know what he was capable of, you're lucky I didn't call the police!" 

"Why didn't you?" 

"Because the police can be a pain in the ass and too much of a headache, where as tying somebody up is effortless." 

"Indeed." T'Challa agreed under his breath, making Tony blush. Steve fought back the urge to rip the other man to shreds and grabbed Scott's suit off the dining table. 

"Fury says he'll collect that from you and for you to get back to base." Tony informed. Steve glared, noting how Tony's face dropped for a moment when he did. Maybe Tony wasn't as over him as he liked to think.

"Can I have a minute alone with Tony?" Steve asked T'Challa, who nodded, walking off. Scott walked over to the elevator, hitting the down button. Tony wrapped his arms around himself, his nervous feeling coming back. 

"Are you two dating?" Steve asked after a couple seconds of the two men staring at each other. 

"That's really none of-" 

"Fine, whatever. I'm hoping you're not too attached, is all." Steve shrugged turning to leave. He saw Tony step towards him, then back from the corner of his eye. 

"What do you mean?" Tony chewed on his cheek. 

"He's going to have to go back to Wakanda at some point, and I doubt you'd be going with. I guess he's good as a rebound but I wouldn't start getting comfortable." 

"Well, I don't see how any of that is your business." 

"Never said it was." Steve came back, walking back to Tony, getting close. "But, if you'd like to make it my business, I'm always around and I'm not going anywhere." He said, barley above a whisper. Tony clenched his jaw. 

"Fuck, no, I never want you back." He spat out. Steve let a small smile play on his lips. That was such a lie. 

"I'm sure you'll change your mind when Prince Charming leaves." He remarked, then turned and left, not looking back. 

"I want you out of my life, completely. No spies, no anything. Only time I want to see your face is on the battlefield and that's all." Tony said, pressing the button for the elevator for Steve. 

"I want you to leave me alone." Tony added, catching Steve's gaze, seemingly drowning in the other man's blue eyes. He tore his attention away as the elevator arrived. 


	3. The Wolf and The Moon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This clears up the huge characteristic jump in the last couple chapters (of Device Of The Fidgets) with Bucky. I was too impatient to write it in then, so I'm doing it now. I will expand more on what happened when everything went to shit, this is just a little bit to fill in the character development holes I left.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Reading the king must die and shall I say, I know the king has to die but I will too when I finish the book because it has no context to geography whatsoever. It's taking about cites and I'm like "I have no fucking clue where this shit is, like country please? Torzian? Where is that? Horse god? Wanna explain that please?" I swear my love for Greek tragedies will be the death of me. Only reading this because I read Medea (which was amazing). *sigh* *sips tea* *looks over at reader* what are you still doing here? Story's down there, Hun. Also, Euripides plays are really great if you like tragedies and Greek melodramas.

The Wolf and The Moon

Bucky chewed on his nail, reading the last sentence of what he would consider a horrific storyline. Horrific not because of the gory deaths and betrayal, but horrific from the relatable nature of the play.

"The unexpected God makes possible; And such is the conclusion of this story."

Damn right. The ending of a scorned woman murdering her kin for the sake of paining her ex lover was unexpected, and Bucky would like to believe that no God would willingly make it possible. He pondered what he just read, flipping through the booklet of the play. For such a tiny thing, it brought a shit ton of emotion... Bucky could think of other small things that brought him enough emotions to last for years. Then again, feeling something was better than nothing, so he wasn't complaining. Not that it mattered anymore. 

He sighed, laying down fully on his bed. Well, not his bed- SHEILD's hard and plain twin bed. He closed his eyes, trying to think of what else he could do to pass the time. He felt purposeless. He looked back at the book; it had been a good enough distraction- even though he had finished reading it, it still occupied his thoughts. Though, the book's plot hitting so close to home hurt more than it helped. 

Bucky had tried doing everything to keep his mind busy, but here at SHEILD there was nothing for him to do. He wasn't needed. So, he read. A lot. He recalled some books he had found in Tony's closet, packed away at the top of the shelf. Bucky had been interested and looked through them. Most were melodrama's about jealously, tragedy, and betrayal, with gruesome accents of death. He had been shocked that Tony would've read any of it. He asked Tony about it, who shrugged it off, talking about how it was required reading for MIT. Bucky didn't seem to think that that was truly all it was. Tony must've been really into the books and plays, from what Bucky could tell from the excessive highlighting, bent pages, scribbled notes on the pages and new notes wrote on post-it-notes. Tony had analysed every part of every book that had been stored away several times. 

Maybe it was weird that that memory was the first thing Bucky thought of to keep him preoccupied. He didn't really care though, he went to the library the morning after they arrived at SHEILD, after Tony made it very clear to Phil he wasn't planning on taking either him or Steve back. He found every book he could recollect from Tony's collection. He wanted to know what the billionaire had found so intriguing. 

He thought he was going to stop when he read about a woman who held her ex-lover's disembodied penis in her hand, walking through the streets, but he didn't. Now, after reading about a woman outcasted from beginning to end, a woman who was consistently screwed over by everyone, he was suddenly sure of two things. One, he couldn't handle reading anymore. Two, he knew why Tony acted the way he did, why he reacted the way he did. 

In every story, there was a common theme: somebody being beaten down and taken for granted. The protagonist's love being used against them. A familiar theme...

"Love, did you say? Is a mighty curse."

Tony must've found great comfort in the plays and books, knowing others were used to being fucked over. Of course, they always were driven mad with grief or anger, to the point of doing unspeakable things. Bucky couldn't imagine Tony doing that, but he knew his own actions weren't exactly helping to make sure that it didn't. 

He remembered how sympathetic he had been for Tony at first. He understood the other man's situation- they were both thrown into something they didn't really want. They relied on each other. They became friends... then more than that. Tony put his trust in Bucky, and Bucky might as well have slapped Tony in the face. Not that Bucky really had a consensual part in that night. Well, maybe at first...

He rolled over, pulling his pillow over his head. He could still hear Steve's voice buzz around his head, like it had that night. He could see the anger in his fiery eyes. Bucky had thought it was just him being frustrated with Tony. Little did he know it was because Phil had broken down crying earlier, telling Steve he had to tell Clint. How could he have known... 

He just wanted to make Steve feel better. No, no, no. No bullshit. Did he want Steve happy? Yes, but that was not the only reason he did what he did. He was being selfish. He wanted to get what he wanted, at the expense of Tony's feelings. Sounded familiar... 

It didn't help that Steve had filled his head with fuckery about how Tony was trying to divide them, how his 'clinginess' was him trying to manipulate the situation into his favour.

Bucky didn't believe it at first. He had gotten to know Tony, the real Tony. He wasn't the selfish prick everyone thought him to be. He was generous to a fault. 

But one whisper lead to another and one comment to the next, and Bucky had started to believe him. He started looking at things how Steve did, or at least how Steve wanted him to. He noticed how Tony preferred sleeping in the middle of the men, both of them touching him. He noticed how Tony would never give them both the same attention. He thought it was just because they both gave him different things, so it was normal he would go to them for different things... but Tony had stopped being around Steve as much as he had. 

Bucky cringed at how stupid his train of thought had been, how he had over analysed everything Tony did. Tony never went to Steve when he had a problem, probably because his problems usually involved Steve. He never cuddled closer to Steve, only Bucky. He looked at the winter soldier longer than he did Steve, smiled at him more. He trusted Bucky more than Steve, because Bucky hadn't done anything to make him not. However, that's not how Steve saw it. Steve saw it as an attack, and he wanted Bucky to as well. Two against one, easier to win. 

Bucky knew exactly when he realised what Steve was doing. It was right after he had starting kissing Steve, the other man already climbing into his lap. Tony's words ringed through his head, the look of desperation in Tony's expression flashed in the forefront of his mind. He realised what he was doing, and he didn't want to do it. He didn't care that he wanted Steve, he didn't care that Tony was 'tearing them apart with his jealously'. 

He knew what it felt to have his feelings disrespected.

*flashback* 

"Steve, Steve. Please, stop." He whispered, gently pushing the other man away. Steve got off, not as quick as Bucky would have liked. 

"What?" Steve snapped. Bucky frowned, trying to collect his thoughts. His head hurt, he felt like he was going to throw up. He racked his hand through his hair, breathing heavily. 

"Tony doesn't want this..." Bucky whispered, more to himself than anyone else. He saw Steve roll his eyes from the side of his vision. 

"We just talked about this! I thought you were done with letting him walk all over you!" Steve growled, clenching his fists. Bucky didn't know why he was so frustrated. Of course, he didn't know this was the second time that day that Steve had been denied, and Steve hated being denied. 

"I can't." Bucky shook his head. Steve grabbed his arm as he tried to leave. Bucky froze. Steve's grip was hard... too hard. 

"Where are you going?" 

"To check on Tony, he needs me." 

"I need you." Steve mumbled, like how people do when they insult somebody in earshot. 

"Steve..." Bucky said warningly as Steve pulled him back onto the bed. His heart beat sped up. This wasn't going where he had wanted it to.   

*End Of Flashback* 

"Barnes?" Phil said, poking his head into the small, prison like room. Bucky snapped his head up, the pillow falling to the floor. 

"Yeah?" Bucky said exasperatedly as Phil looked at him empathetically. 

"Everything okay?" Phil asked softly, noticing tears welling up in the other man's eyes. He shook his head, this was a shit storm and he hated himself for taking part in making it worse. He knew the minute Clint had told him about their relationship that it wasn't going to end well. He didn't know he would be the reason why.

"Yeah." Bucky blinked back the tears, blushing embarrassingly. 

"Well, get dressed. The avengers are needed, and that includes you." Bucky gave Phil a questionable look. "Loki's back and thought that today was a perfect time to take a stroll in Central Park."


	4. I Prefer My Bridges Extra Crispy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Edit; never mind, I'm indecisive as fuck.

I Prefer My Bridges Extra Crispy

"Somebody want to explain to me why I'm on babysitting duty?" Tony whined. He gave a dreaded look over to Loki, who was caged. He bitterly chewed on a few blueberries, waiting for Phil to tear his attention from his tablet to answer his question. He didn't have a problem with helping detain the god, but, it seemed like a waste of his time to just sit and watch him. Tony had things to do. Unlike popular belief, he did have responsibilities and work. He popped a few more blueberries in his mouth as he thought up some semantics for a project he was working on. 

"Because I did it last time." Natasha said, emerging into the room with two people Tony didn't care to look at. 

"I'm just a little old man, what am I supposed to do? What if he attacks me?" Tony said dramatically, widening his eyes for affect. His mind flashed back to when Steve told him to 'stay out of the way' only minutes ago. He was sure Steve was just trying to be nice and make sure Tony didn't get hurt, but considering he has failed to keep Tony safe from their relationship, he sounded like a douch. Tony could handle himself, he was a big boy.

"All you have to do is look at him and make sure he isn't trying to escape. Pretty simple, but somebody else will join you in case he does." Tony pursed his lips, he didn't need back up. He had been only joking but, Phil and jokes obviously weren't familiar with each other. 

"Oh, Is T coming?" Tony tried to keep his excitement from showing. T'Challa had stayed back at the tower, and was waiting for Tony. Of course, after he practically fought Tony on going. 

"No, we don't need you getting... preoccupied." Phil sighed, walking over to a desk in the other corner of the room. Tony rolled his eyes. How ironic coming from the guy who fucked other people's boyfriends at work. 

"So, who's the lucky person? Bruce?" Tony looked around the room for his science buddy. He wasn't quite sure if he wanted to be on watch duty with him. Even though Bruce swears he's not "that type of doctor", Tony had a feeling the other man would try and help Tony with his situation regarding Rogers... and Barnes. He remembered when Bruce had first found out, from Clint not Tony, and had stormed over to SHEILD practically ready to rip each man in half. 

"No, Rogers and Barnes."

"No. No fucking way. Where's Clint?" 

"He didn't, he didn't want to be around me, so he left." Phil mumbled. Tony felt a bit bad as he saw the hurt the SHEILD agent was trying to hold back. Not, that Tony should have any empathy for him. 

"Well, how long do I have to be here?" Tony tapped his fingers on the glass table, feeling fidgety all of the sudden. He needed something to occupy his hands with. He searched his pockets, feeling for his spinner. Damn, he left it at home. 

"Only a good twenty minutes. Until I can get some agents here." 

"Twenty? Jesus, you low on staff or something?" 

"My agents are very busy." Phil gave Tony a look of annoyance and walked off. Tony plopped down in the nearest chair and crossed his legs. He tilted his head and eye the man in the glass box. 

"Natasha, could you-" Bucky started, only to be cut off by the red-head.

"No. You fucked up, not my problem." She answered, walking off, leaving Bucky with his head hanging. He didn't want to be around Tony and he was sure the other man didn't want to be around him. He snuck a look at Steve, who looked expressionless. 

Bucky walked over to Tony, noticing how the other man scooted back his chair more, trying to look at him from the side of his eye while keeping his attention on Loki. 

He fiddled with something in his pocket. His heart beat exhilarated as he felt the cold medal.

"You needed this?" Bucky asked, holding out the iron man fidget spinner he had gifted Tony. Tony glanced at the other man's shaking hand and rolled his eyes, not responding. Bucky sucked in a breath, putting it back in his pocket. Of course he didn't, dumbass, Bucky chastised himself. The engineer went out of the way to ship it back to him for a reason. 

Bucky looked over at Loki, noticing how his lips where moving a mile a minute. He gave a questioning look at Steve, who shrugged his shoulders. 

"They made the walls sound proof." Tony answered the super soldiers unspoken question. He flinched a bit at his condescending tone but, it was pretty obvious. The reflect of the light hit the glass differently and no sound was escaping. Duh. 

"How's T'Challa?" Bucky asked, regretting it the second he saw Steve tense up. 

"Great, but you already know this, so the question is redundant." 

"I don't." Bucky furrowed his eye brows. 

"Oh, so, you're boyfriend is going behind your back and doing shady stuff... again! Wow, tiger never changes his stripes." 

"Steve isn't my boyfriend." 

"If only you could've made that decision weeks ago, then maybe you'd still be mine." Tony muttered. 

"Tony, I-" 

"No, don't speak. There shall be no talking." Tony raised up his hand.

"Are you still mad at me?" 

"I'm sorry, no talking is a pretty simple task. Follow my orders, soldier." 

"Tony, what happened that night-" 

"Doesn't need to be brought up." 

"It wasn't what it looked like." 

"Ha, it was exactly like it looked like, if it wasn't then you wouldn't have left." 

"I was embarrassed and confused and you were angry." 

"Damn right, you don't get to fuck over whomever you'd like and not have somebody pissed off." Bucky winced at the anger in Tony voice. He was right. 

"Tony, I didn't...I didn't want-" 

"Me to find out?" 

"To... fuck Steve." Bucky clarified, his voice coming out strained. Steve's eyes were now on him but, he didn't dare look at him. He wouldn't be able to say what he needed to if he did.

"I... he manipulated me, I wasn't thinking right but once I realised... I couldn't turn back, not without him taking it out on you." Tony's expression became empathetic for a moment.

"Right, because I'm the villain." Steve scuffed, in crossing his arms. "Both of you are trying to make me seem like the bad guy. I'm not. Bucky, you never said no." 

"I assumed I didn't have to." Bucky snapped. "I was fucking shaking, didn't that tell you anything?" 

"I'm not going to be blamed just because neither of you know how to communicate. If you wanted something to stop, all you had to do was say so. Stop acting like a victim because you can't speak up. As for me taking it out on Tony... yeah, seems pretty logical to me. Why wouldn't somebody be mad at the person trying to tear their relationship apart." Steve towered over Bucky, showing his dominance.  
Bucky took a few steps back and that's when Tony darted across the room and stood between the two, glaring up at Steve. Sure, he was bigger than both of them, but Tony didn't give a fuck.

"With that logic then Bucky and I are justifiably fucking pissed with you, Rogers. The only person here that ever tried to ruin our relationship was you, when you decided to put your dick where it didn't belong." Bucky looked at the back of Tony head, frowning. Why was Tony sticking up for him? 

"Like you haven't stuck your dick where it doesn't belong." Steve sneered. "You're the biggest whore in this room. I bet you went straight to T'Challa's room after everything went down and threw yourself at him, because that's the only thing you know how to do." 

"Fuck off Steve, you know he wouldn't do that. Tony was hurt and he needed somebody there for him." Bucky glared at Steve. Tony shrunk a bit. Steve was right, that's exactly what he had done. 

"Tony doesn't look like he agrees with you." Steve said with a sour smile. Bucky's eyes flew down at the other man, Tony was looking at the floor. 

"Tony..." 

"I, I have to go." He whispered, shoving his way out of the super soldier sandwich he was in. He felt a bit light headed. 

"Wait!" Bucky called out, but Tony refused to listen, he stormed away, slow enough to hear Steve say 'are you really that surprised?' He felt like he was going to be sick.


	5. You're So Last Summer

You're So Last Summer

 

"Hey, Tony, wait!" Bucky called out, chasing after the other man who surprisingly could speed walk extremely fast. He finally caught up with the billionaire and grabbed his shoulder, turning him around. 

"Hey, Steve's an asshole, don't listen to him." Tony gave him a blank look, his eyes glossy. 

"No," Tony took in a shaky breath. "He's right." 

"No-" 

"Yes, after you guys left I went straight to T'Challa. I literally threw myself at him. Of course I was drunk and upset but I still did it." 

"Tony, I don't care. I understand. Steve is a dick, I honestly don't know what happened to him. He's not the same guy I knew. He's not the same kid I fell in love with in Brooklyn." Tony stared at the ground, hands in his pockets. "And I'm a dick just as much. I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt... I screwed you over and I'm sorry. I... I really do care for you. I know you probably hate me and have every right. I went behind your back and told Steve shit he didn't need to know, did things with him when I knew it would hurt you. I was selfish and too busy trying to save my own ass that I didn't realise that I shouldn't have to, especially at your expense." Bucky rambled, out of breath. Tony looked up, his face still expressionless, as if he had heard nothing. 

"Can we... go somewhere more private?" Tony whispered, tilting his head towards the shield agents that had stopped working to watch the little show in front of them. Bucky blushed, nodding his head. 

*****

Tony carefully shut the door behind him. He felt odd talking about such a topic in Bucky's 'bedroom,' but there wasn't anywhere else more private for them. Tony furrowed his eyebrows as his attention caught the books that were stacked away in a corner. He walked a bit closer, looking at the one on top. He frowned, Medea? 

"I, uh, I've had a lot of free time." Bucky rubbed the back of his head. 

"I see." Tony nodded, trying to look away. "You've read The King Must Die?" 

"No, not yet." 

"Good book. I could relate to it a lot, you know. The whole, father too infatuated with passing the torch, he never focuses on whom he's passing it too. Well, until it's too late... Also, the main character was a badass bisexual so, there's that too." Tony smiled half-heartedly. Bucky nodded along, though he wasn't quite sure what Tony was talking about. 

"So, wanna finish that apology? You were kind of on a roll there. I feel a bit guilty for stopping you. Maybe start with explaining the night all hell broke lose this time though. I'm curious to how you justified your actions enough to think we can be on friendly terms." Tony said, his playful tone not reaching his eyes. 

"You know how Steve gets when he wants something..." 

"Doesn't explain how you propositioned him." 

"I was pissed at you." Bucky looked down. 

"Who wasn't?" Tony ran his hand over his face, he didn't remember ever giving Bucky reason to be pissed. 

"It was nothing you did, I was just paranoid... same reason I told Steve all the stuff you would tell me. Steve... I thought the secretiveness was tearing us apart. Steve and I, we tell each other everything. I wasn't used to it being so divided. I read too much into it." 

"Maybe you didn't." 

"Huh?"

"I did favour you. I wanted it divided." Tony admitted, shrugging his shoulders. It was hard not to favour Bucky. He hadn't kept information from him and after all this time, and once Tony had finally accepted it wasn't Bucky's fault about what happened with his parents, there was nothing for him to be mad at him for. Steve was the one who left Tony to die in Siberia, who had divided the team. For fuck's sake, some of the team wasn't even back. Wanda, Sam. 

He had to ship Wanda off to Manchester because of Steve going behind his back and having Clint help her leave. Sam, well, he would've never paralysed Rhodey, been kicked off the team, if Steve had just listen to Tony and signed the accords. Tony frowned. He remembered how pissed he had been with himself, how much he hated himself for not making Rhodey’s suit durable enough. He blamed it on himself, slaving away on a device to help Rhodey walk again, taking all the guilt. 

He knew now, none of those things were his fault. He had just wanted to talk, Steve had wanted to fight. Tony cared about the team, about the people they were effecting. Steve only cared about his 'morals'. Tony had fought hard to get the accords to be somewhat agreeable for Steve, which Steve did finally decided it was and signed. Steve never said 'thank you', or 'I'm sorry'. He had rolled his eyes and sighed, writing his signature down as if it was some huge fuss for him. He had still loved Steve anyways, still craved the other man's attention. All he wanted was for Steve to be happy and he never was...

"Tony?" Bucky asked, standing up. He gave the engineer a concerned glance. Tony was frozen, with a look of realisation and horror on his face. 

"He didn't cared." Tony whispered, shaking his head. "He never cared did he?" Tony asked, feeling a rush of emotions hit him. This was Howard all over again. He bended over back wards for Steve, just to be ignored. It didn't matter what he did, it would never be good enough. 

"Tony?" He would never be good enough, at least not in Steve's eyes. The only eyes that really mattered. Tony felt as though something had snapped inside him. What was the point anymore? 

"Tony? You're freaking me out..." Bucky tried to touch the other man's shoulder. Tony flinched, jumping back. He needed to leave. 

"I have to go." He said hurriedly. 

"Wait, Tony." 

"I forgive you Barnes." Tony said, raising his hand, "Just, please let me leave." Bucky nodded, opening the door. There was something in Tony's eyes that made him feel uneasy.


	6. With My Last Dying Breath

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know nothing of medication, I've heard of Xanax, Vicodin and Advil from my brother in law and to shows. I know Advil is for like headaches or small pains and Xanax and Vicodin are way heavier doses that make you forget stuff and sleep a lot. I dunno, my brother in law said Xanax was the drug people took and they would forget days depending on how much they took...

With My Last Dying Breath

T'Challa was starting to get nervous. The fight had ended practically before it had even begun. So, why wasn't Anthony home? Had something happen with Steve? His stomach tied into a knot. He fiddled with his phone, he thought about calling agent Coulson, but, he didn't want to seem over baring. He reminded himself that Anthony had just gotten out of a controlling relationship. He took a deep breath. Everything was fine. 

He stood quickly as the elevator opened, reviling exactly who he wanted to see. 

"Anthony!" He cheered, wrapping his arms around the other man. The billionaire gave him a small smile and hugged back numbly. 

"Is everything alright?" T'Challa asked, noticing how dazed Anthony looked. 

"Yeah, just have a head ache of sorts." Tony said, wrapping his arms around himself. His heart was beating miles a minute... it was so fast. It was freaking Tony out. He shoved his shaking hands under arms. 

"Oh, do you want me to make some tea or-" 

"No, I, uh, I think I'm going to just take some Advil and rest." Tony answered, chewing on his lip. T'Challa looked confused. Tony chewed harder, tasting blood. T'challa looked worried, which made Tony feel worse. Tony was only with him as a metaphorical 'fuck you' to Steve. The Wakanda king deserved better, better than some whore with daddy issues. 

"Alright, I think I might join you." T'Challa said, kissing Tony's temple. Tony gave him a fake grin. He should've never brought the other man into his shit. He was dragging him down. He was dragging everyone down. That's what he was good at. 

He walked into the bathroom, the bright lights blinding him a bit. He searched the cabinets for some Xanax. He just wanted all the pain to stop. He quickly grabbed the bottle once he found it, pouring the containments on the counter. He looked at the white tablets wearily. He closed his eyes. He just needed everything to stop... 

He tried to think about things that he could live for. The avengers, T'Challa... He shook his head. He was a shitty avenger, he had ruined the name with his past, nobody really wanted him anyways. He had no real super power. T'Challa... T'Challa didn't want him around either, who would? Tony woke with panic attacks most nights and nightmares with others, he was impossible to live with and a complete fuck up. T'Challa could do so much better. Steve had been right, all Tony was good for was being a whore... and there was nobody left for him to whore himself out to. 

He scooped up the pills, swallowing as many as he could. He tried not to choke as he did, grabbing a glass of water to make it go down easier. His mouth felt dry. He shook his head, taking a couple deep breaths, not considering what he just did. He walked back in the bedroom, striping down to his boxers and climbing in bed next to T'Challa. He curled up against the other man, his head laying on the other man's shoulder and arm around his waist. He took some more breaths, wondering which would be his last. He closed his eyes, feeling the Wakanda king's hand stroke threw his hair as he finally felt himself slipping into rest. 

***** 

T'Challa let out a roar of a yawn, laughing a bit to himself as he looked at Anthony, who was still fast asleep. He kissed the other man's head, making an attempt to get up. Anthony's body slumped against him. He pushed the other man off, taking no effort. Anthony must've really been tired, he thought to himself. 

He finally got up, pulling his shirt from the floor back onto his body. He glanced at the digital clock on his night stand. 20:30? Already? He sighed. 

"Anthony?" He whispered into the billionaire ear, which usually made the other man giggle. He smiled, expecting his lover to make the cute little noise he always did when T'Challa woke him. His smile faltered a bit as he noticed the other man didn't even flinch. He nudged the engineer's shoulder, gaining yet again no response. 

"Anthony, wake up." He said louder, shaking Anthony harder. Nothing. T'Challa was starting to panic. No, no, maybe Anthony was just REALLY tired? He did say he had a headache- 

T'Challa snapped his attention to the door separating their room to their bathroom. He had said he was going to take some Advil.... 

T'Challa raced into the room, looking over the counter him and Tony shared. It looked just as it always had, a bit mess on Anthony's side, hair and beauty products spewed about. Something did catch T'Challa's eye. There was a bottle in the small waste bin next to the counter. T'Challa picked it out. He furrowed his eyebrows, Xanax? Anthony had said Advil... were they the same? He read over the labels, realising in fact they were not the same thing. 

His heart beat out of his chest as he pulled his mobile from his pocket, his fingers quickly dialling the first number that popped in his head. "Doctor Banner? Anthony took some medication and now he's not waking up... I don't know how much, the bottle was in the trash. It was Xanax..." He felt his heart sink to his stomach as the other man hastily say he was on his way and hung up.


	7. Don't Fuck With Our Tony

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> natasha speaking Russian is my aesthetic <3,

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Russian translations 
> 
> Oтвали, шлюха! Почему ты здесь= fuck off, slut. Why are you here?
> 
> Наташа=Natasha 
> 
> Заткнись! Мудак!= Shut up, asshole 
> 
> Не понимаешь, я, тони люблю. Мне надо знать что он хорошо.... пожалуйста= you don't understand, I, I love Tony. I need to know that he's okay.... please
> 
> Tебе не заслуженно знать...= you don't deserve to know.

Pepper was furious, heartbroken and ready to fucking kick Steve ass. No, not only kick his ass, she wanted to torture him until he begged her to kill him, because that what he had done to Tony. He had fucked over him, and Pepper couldn't help beating herself up over that the fact she hadn't prevented it. She recalled their conversation, their short conversation about everything, how she had a bad feeling about Tony going back to Steve. She should've know, she should've been there. She shouldn't have been so busy with work... 

She snapped her attention up from her nails, which she had utterly ruined by chewing and tearing them from the anxiety of the situation, over to Natasha. The assassin was out of her chair and looked deadly. Somebody must've been coming, somebody who wasn't welcomed. 

Pepper got up, whipping her eyes on her sleeve, not caring that her mascara was probably smeared half way across her face. She felt like shit, might as well look like it too.

"Oтвали, шлюха! Почему ты здесь?" Natasha voice roared out, making Pepper's eyes widen. Shit, speaking Russian was never a good sign. Pepper turned to look at Barnes, who looked ten times worse than she did. Not that she cared, he could brake both of his legs and die in a hole for all she cared. 

"Наташа-" 

"Заткнись! Мудак!" Natasha walked close up to Bucky, getting in the man's face. She had a look in her eyes, the look she'd give her enemies before she killed them. Her and Tony had never been close, but, Tony had housed the avengers and bended over back awards to try and keep them together. She owed him. 

"Не понимаешь, я, тони люблю. Мне надо знать что он хорошо.... пожалуйста!" Pepper didn't know what Bucky was saying, but, from what she could get an idea from the desperation in his voice. He probably wanted to see Tony. He never will. He'll never get to even glance at Tony ever again if Pepper has any say. 

"Tебе не заслуженно знать..."Natasha returned, tears welding in her eyes. She took a deep breath in, controlling herself. "You never will, ever. I hope this keeps you up at night. I hope you never get a good night of sleep ever again." She whispered, loud enough for only her and Bucky to hear. 

Bucky opened his mouth to answer, but he was cut off when he felt a pair of hands slam him against the wall of the small waiting area of the medical area in the tower. Bucky blinked, feeling his heart beat accelerate. He was met with a very angry man's red eyes. 

"Hope for your sake you don't actually think anybody here's gonna let you anywhere near him." Rhodey said, clenching his fists in Bucky's shirt. 

"Please-" 

"Go find somebody else to fuck over!" Rhodey growled, letting go. He walked back, rubbing his thumb over his clenching and unclenching his fist. He wasn't going to beat his ass, not here. They'd go out and he'd make sure the super soldier wouldn't be able to walk after. 

"If everyone could settle down." Bruce said, coming out of the patient room quietly. He eyed Bucky with great restraint, his eyes turning a deep green. "Tony just woke up." Bruce breathed out, trying to keep himself calm. Pepper let out a cry, bring her hand to cover her mouth. She had to see him, she need to apologise. She need to look at his face, see his goofy smirk and hear his semi-lame one liners. 

"T'Challa is talking to him right now, but, I don't think I feel comfortable with anyone being around him as long as..." Bruce looked over at Bucky, finishing his sentence with his eyes. Bucky let out a shaky sigh. It was clear he wasn't welcomed... of course he wasn't... he would never be.


	8. Who?What?Where?Why?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cheesy telenovela plot line inserted here, and here and a little over here...

Who?What?Where?Why?

 

No, he thought as he started walking away. No, fuck no. He stopped, gripping his hands into fists. He wasn't the monster everyone thought him to be. He never wanted this. He never- all he wanted was Steve and he sure as hell didn't want that anymore. He only did this for Steve, but now? Steve could brake both his legs and Bucky wouldn't blink an eye. Tony... he stayed around for Tony. He was here, at the infirmary for Tony. He wanted only the best for Tony... and he truly thought that, that was what he was. 

He never pressured Tony into anything. He never made Tony feel guilty or blamed him. Sure, at first all he wanted was Steve and hoped that Tony would give up but that changed quickly. Steve... Steve was the problem. Steve fucked everything up. Steve pinned them up against each other. It always had to be his way, no high way option. 

Bucky walked back over to the door, walking passed all the glaring faces. They could hate him all they wanted. He wasn't the problem and all he wanted was to make sure Tony was okay. After all the shit he went through, after everything Steve put them through, he fucking deserved to know what Tony was okay.

*****

He woke with his head spinning, like somebody has shook it then put back on his shoulders. It hurt, everything hurt. He didn’t even think he could open his eyes, the heaviness of his eyelids keeping them shut. There was a buzzing in his head and a muffled sound coming from his right ear. 

He slowly opened his eyes then blinked rapidly. Once the blur went away he found himself in some type of hospital room. He tired to get up, feeling a sharp pain in his left arm. He looked over, eyes widening at the site of an IV. 

“Hey, Tony, sit down…” A man to his right said, guiding him back down into a laying position. He looked around the room again, finding another man in the corner. He had his glasses tipped low on his nose, looking at something on a clipboard. He looked up once he could feel eyes on him.

“Oh, hey. You woke up.” The man said with a huge grin, though his green eyes were sharp and hard. 

“Where am I?” Tony asked picking at the IV.

“Infirmary in the tower…” The green-eyed man answered, placing his clipboard down and coming closer to the bed that Tony was laying on. He didn’t get far though, loud voices speaking a foreign language had him bolting towards the door. He slipped out, making sure   
nobody could see into the room when he did.

“I’m so glad you’re okay, I was so worried, I thought- “Tony gave the man a confused look, staring at the darker man… trying to figure out who he was. Nothing. 

“Who are you?” Tony asked, furrowing his eyebrows. His confusion furthered as he saw how hurt the other man is by his statement. 

“T’Challa… your… your boyfriend.” He laughed lightly, as if Tony was joking. He wasn’t. He didn’t remember him, he didn’t remember anything. He focuses on the door, pulling his Iv out, though the strange man to his right tried to stop him. The yelling had stopped, and Tony wanted to know why it had begun. 

“Tony… don’t go out there.” T’Challa warned.

“Who’s Tony?”

“Oh… fuck…” Tony opened his mouth to respond but before he could, the door was slammed opened, knocking him to the floor. He picked himself up, feeling quite exposed in his medical dress, his ass completely on display. He pushed the paper around his butt, staring up curiously at the intruders. 

"Tony, my god, you're okay." A tall man, with a metal arm said, flinging himself to the floor. Tony awkwardly let the other man hug him, looking towards the man who was supposably his boyfriend for an explanation. He was so lost. Who were these people? Why was he in a infirmary? 

"There seems to be a problem." The doctor said, pushing himself back over to Tony. 

"The pills he took... they seemed to have messed with his memory." Bruce said, lowering his eyes to Tony, who was staring at him innocently. Pepper choked on a sob, crying on Natasha's shoulder, who looked like she was ready to murder somebody. 

"I believe it should be temporary but, I don't know for how long. Could be a week, a month maybe longer, I'll have to run tests to find out more..." Bruce trailed off. He should've been there for Tony, they all should've.


	9. In a Sea of Uncertainty

“So,” Doctor Banner started, picking up his clipboard and clicking his pen. “Any memories?” He asked, readying his pen against the clipboard, prepared to write down everything Tony said. He looked up after a couple moments passed and Tony had said nothing. He tried not to stare, but it was hard not to. Tony was a different person now. He had changed from on inside and it was starting to show on the outside. He was bare faced, wearing a plain black shirt and sweat pants. Bruce struggled to withhold a laugh as he remembered when Tony had strolled out of his room, his staple facial hair missing. The reaction from everybody had been hilarious. 

“No, not really.” Tony shrugged, taping his finger against his thigh. Everything felt so blank. It was confusing. He wished he could remember, figure out why everybody reacted to every small little thing he did. He shuddered at the thought of a couple days ago, when he had shaved. Apparently, shaving wasn’t something he did. On the bright side, he learned something new about himself. 

“Have you looked through any old photo albums?” Doctor Banner said, frowning a bit. Tony shook his head, he didn’t have any photo albums. Well, maybe but it felt weird to look for them. It felt weird even sitting in his room. He felt like an intruder. He did look through some drawers, but that was just because he needed to find cloths to wear. The man, whom he shared the flat with, offered to get clothes for him but he didn’t want to be treated like a child. He could find his own clothes. 

“No, but I did look through his- my phone.” It left a strange feeling on Tony’s tongue to say my, or me, when referring to the man he had been. The person was so distant to him, familiar but distant. Tony bit his lip as he saw how the doctor’s face tightened a bit. Shit, was he not supposed to do that? 

“Any photos spark any memories?” Bruce said in a small voice. He secretly prayed that it didn’t. God only knows what Tony could find out about himself, nothing on there would be healthy to see. Tony didn’t need to be bombarded with all his… mistakes, especially when he didn’t even know basic things about himself yet. It would spiral him back into the poisonous mind state that brought about this mess.

“No, well, it did help me remember who’s who but, I wish I could do that on my own.” Tony frowned, rubbing his neck. 

“Well, that’s good. Don’t worry Tony, this isn’t going to last forever. Once the medicine is completely worn off and out of your system, your brain will recover, and you’ll get your memories back. Until then, just keep trying. Look at old pictures or things. It’s going to get better, it’ll just take a bit of time.” Bruce assured, giving Tony a hopeful smile. He turned to open the door of the small examination room, to let Tony out, then paused as Tony opened his mouth to say something. 

“Before I go. I looked myself up on the internet.” Tony said, sliding off the examination table. Doctor Banner closed the door, swearing under his breath. He shouldn’t go to the internet to find out about himself. The internet was toxic. 

“Oh, Tony, I told you not to do that. It could make some bad memories come up and we really need to focus on the good ones first.” He said as he crossed his arms. H tried not to sound like he was talking to a child. Tony didn’t need to feel stupid, Bruce was sure he felt worse enough.

“I know, I know. But there were some things... that were concerning...” 

“Shit, Tony did you have your safe search on?” Bruce cut the other man off, eyes going wide. 

“I- yes. Does that matter? Why does that matter?” Tony asked. He, honestly, couldn’t think that there was anything more scandalous than what he had already seen when he googled his name. Though, it made him cringe when he went through article after article, he had learned about himself. Nothing great, but at least it was something. Now, he knew that he was a free-wheeling bisexual, who didn’t give a damn about anybody other than himself, as one exceptionally blunt commentator had put it. Oh, and that he also liked to have a weird, French, porno beard. 

“There’s just some videos out there, that uh, that aren’t safe for work...” Bruce said, breaking his gaze with Tony. God, he remembered when he had first met tony and used the phone S.H.E.I.L.D had got him to find out more about the mysterious genius… the first things that popped up were article from news websites, then a couple hate blogs from a site called tumblr and after those, a shit ton of x-rated videos. He had a hard time looking at the other man after he had innocently clicked on one, discovering more than he wanted to. Of course, the idea that Tony, like everybody else, was a sexual person became less taboo for him to think about. 

“One thing, before I go,” Tony started as Doctor Banner had reopened the door. “There was a bunch of recent things about a woman name… Carrie?” Bruce frowned at the name. He had heard about her, along with everybody who had access to basic media. “Did, did I really do what she was claiming?” Tony asked, his voice almost inaudible. He looked at Doctor Banner hopefully. 

“No, Tony. Carrie was, I hate using this word, a bitch. She expected something from you and when you didn’t give it to her, she wanted to ruin your reputation. Unfortunately, a lot of people have tried to do the same thing. Don’t let it get to you. You were, you are a good guy, Tony.” Bruce explained, giving the other man a reassuring pat on the back. Tony nodded, feeling a bit lost in all the new information. He gave the man a small smile and walked out. His smiled shrunk as he realised he had no clue what to do. He started down the hall, towards the lift. He turned as he felt a hand on his shoulder. Doctor Banner? He turned. Not Doctor Banner.

“Hey, Tony… are you, uh, feeling better?” The tall, brooding, blonde asked with a shameless smile. Tony froze. He knew the man from the picture on his phone but… he didn’t feel like he was the same man he had take picture of. Something told him that this man wasn’t as friendly as the other.


	10. Curiouser And Curiouser

Tony?” Steve asked, shaking the other man a bit. Tony was just standing there, looking at him with wide eyes, like he was frozen. Steve looked around, finding the hallway empty. He knew he didn’t have much time until somebody came to see if Tony had left or needed assistance. He clenched his jaw. All he needed was a couple seconds. 

He grabbed Tony by the hand, which made the doe eyed man jump, dragging him to the elevator. Tony didn’t make any sounds until the doors closed. 

The engineer leaned in, seemingly examining Steve. “I-do I know you?” He asked, in a small voice, Steve had barley heard him. He couldn’t remember a time where Tony had ever been this soft spoken. 

“Yeah, you know me.” Steve said, awkwardly. He knew that Tony had lost his memory, but he didn’t know to what extent. He bitterly recalled when Bucky had unceremoniously thrown the information at him as if he was to blame. 

“You’re in my phone.” Tony said, searching in his pockets, pulling out his phone. “You were in a bunch of picture that were in his- my deleted folder- why do they have a deleted folder anyways? I mean if I really wanted the photos gone, why make it so hard to get rid of them?” Tony rambled nervously, pulling up all the photo app on his phone. He handled his phone over to Steve, so he could see. 

Steve tentatively took Tony’s phone. He looked down at the screen, relieved to find only pictures of Bucky and him, clothed. “What was our relationship? Doctor Banner told me that you are, well, were the captain of the avengers... which I believe was the super hero group that I was a part of?” Tony asked, looking more than a bit lost by his words. 

Steve looked up, calculating what information he should give Tony. He racked through his mind for anything that could make their past relationship seem better, maybe make this Tony like him more than the other did. If this Tony didn’t know about the avengers or the fact that he and Steve had dated for quite some time... well, then Steve had a lot of wiggle room to paint his own version of the past... 

“We dated actually.” Steve said after a while. 

“Oh, well that explains why I had, have, so many pictures of you. I asked Doctor Banner about you, I already said this I think, but he didn’t really say much. I don’t think he likes you very much...” Tony elaborated, rubbed the back of his head shyly.

“A lot of people don’t like me very much nowadays.” 

“Why is that?” 

Steve sighed, handing Tony his phone back. “Well, I’m technically a war criminal, but you kind of cleared that up for me... and people blame me for some things that happened... that, Uh, lead to your loss of memory...” 

“Really? I would have never guess that... you looked like a nice guy, I mean, I seemed very contented with you. I seemed really contented with the brown-haired man too... god I forget his name. Fuck. Jeremy? Shit, no.” Tony squeezed his eyes shut, grabbing onto his head. Steve wasn’t sure what was happening but once Tony hitting his hands into his head, muttering to himself, he knew he needed to step in. 

He grabbed Tony’s wrist, practically pinning him against the wall of the elevator. “Hey, hey. Everything okay?” 

“Yeah, sorry.” Tony said, opening his eyes and giving Steve a meek smile. “I just get these head-aches whenever I try and remember... Doctor Banner told me that I need to give my head a break if it happens, but it’s so frustrating.” Tony giggled out of frustration. “Fuck, I feel so confused. No, I feel crazy, that’s...” Tony trailed off, his gaze getting caught on Steve’s eyes. They were so bright, like the sky... but there was something to them that made his skin crawl. 

“The browned haired man’s name is- “Steve caught himself before he said Bucky. This Tony shouldn’t be calling Bucky that... it wouldn’t be right. “Barnes...” 

“Barnes.” Tony repeated as Steve stepped back, giving the other man some space. “That’s an odd name.” 

“Well, some people would say he’s an odd guy.” 

“Is that what you’d say?” 

“I don’t think you want to know what I would say... look, Tony, a lot of things happened between us and I hope- “Steve started but Tony cut him off.

“Oh shit, what did I do?” Tony asked with a pitiful look. Steve paused, narrowing his eyes.  
“What do you mean?” 

“I’ve read the articles about me, you don’t have to tip-toe around anything, though I’m sure Doctor Banner would want you to. I know I’ve done some not so nice things to a lot of people. If I’ve done anything to you please let me know, I would love to make it right.” 

“Tony...” Steve said, at a loss for words. He’s job was just made a thousand times easier. “Is T’Challa around?” He asked, stepping a bit closer.

“T’Challa, T’Challa... “Tony chanted, trying to put a face to the name. His eyes brightened. “Ah, yes, um, no. He left... for some thing about Africa.” Tony said waving his hand around in the air as he tried to remember what exactly the other man had told him. Something about his sister and his kingdom... Tony hadn’t really heard the rest of the conversation since, after T’Challa had mentioned Tony coming with him, he and the scary, red-haired woman started their own little discussion in hushed tones. 

“Perfect, how about we go to your flat. I can help you get some of your memories back.” Steve said with a grin. Tony gave him a hesitate look but still pressed the button to his floor.


	11. Fire and Fury

Natasha paced around Tony’s flat aimlessly, stuck in her head. It was like a battle field in there. She kept analysing every small detail of the information she was given, slowly figuring out scenario after scenario of what was to happen when she told the new Tony the news. She mentally separated the possible endings into two groups, good and bad. Then from there, she plotted her course of actions.

Good, she tells the new Tony and he doesn’t respond because he doesn’t understand anything she’s talking about. Good, she tells the new Tony and he knows exactly what to do to fix the issue. Bad, she tells the new Tony and he has a panic attack because the news sparks negative memories and that stunts his growth on getting his memory back. Good outweighed the bad... hopefully reality would will that to be true as well.

She shot her eyes to the lift, which made a small dinging noise. She kept her face blank, locking that expression there. The doors opened painfully slow, displaying one extra man Natasha hadn’t expected to see. Fucking Rogers. 

She didn’t hate Steve at first, in fact she loved how innocent and naturally brave he was. She was intrigued at how calm and collect the man seemed to be without effort... something she envied greatly. Now though, she would draw blood if she needed to or simply wanted to.

She might have admired how courageous the man had been but, one thing trumped courage in her mind and that was loyalty. Loyalty was precious to her because she never really had it... causing it to be very, very hard to give out in return. Programmed to distrust everyone, she learned to put up bulletproof walls. She had let them down for Steve, she had grown found of him... and he ruined that. 

Ever since she had learned what happened in Siberia, Steve’s name brought a sour taste to her mouth. So, she made sure to keep an eye on him, putting her guard back up. After she heard what he had done to Tony, well, Steve had no chance at winning her favour... ever. 

“Captain...” she greeted impersonally, nodding her head into the direction of Steve. She didn’t like how the blonde man was towering over Tony like a Hawk watching its prey, but she kept that too herself. “I didn’t expect you...” she finished, locking her hands together behind her back. 

“I-“ Steve started but was ultimately cut off when Natasha raised her hand, silencing him. 

“Tony.” She turned her head to the small, sickly looking man. “I have something that is very urgent.” 

“Oh, uh, I don’t know if I’m the person for that...” 

“I already tried calling Ms. Potts but she’s sleeping.” 

“Uh, okay.” Tony rubbed the back of his head. He had been doing that a lot lately. He was sure he had formed some type of rash from it. 

“Justin Hammer, from Hammer industries, has learned about your... mentally vacancies and is threading to go public with it, also, he has hacked into your and your ex-lovers phones. He plans on publishing what he finds through that as well.” 

“Oh. I don’t know what effect any of that has.” Tony furrowed his eyebrows, searching his empty head. “You should talk to Ms. Pox-“ 

“Potts.” 

“Potts about that.” Tony had read about how people have tried, and some succeeded, at hacking his phone and leaking things. That’s where most of the x-rated things found on the internet came from. His phone leaks were oil for the fires of rumours and gossip, which really didn’t need much encouragement. He knew this was bad, but he felt so emotionally disconnected. 

“I’ll contact her immediately once she wakes.” Natasha nodded, then brought her attention back to Steve. She wanted to punch his face, of course, she wasn’t going to but the fantasy was fun to entertain. 

“Captain, I believe Fury wanted to talk with you.” She said sternly. 

“Now?” Natasha hitched an eyebrow. 

“Yes.”


	12. Bye, Bye, Baby, Bye, Bye

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry the chapters are short( but they’ll be longer when the plot kicks up again. Also, I’m questioning whether I should kill of Steve or just like... place him somewhere and never touch him again. Thoughts? (I’m definitely leaning towards kill but what do you think?)

Steve walked to Agent Fury’s office with the mindset of a kid being sent to the principal’s office. At first, when he got to SHEILD headquarters, he was in war mode. He could rip Fury to shreds if he needed to. Or maybe he wouldn’t even have to... What was Fury going to do to him? He was the first and most liked avenger; he was untouchable. Maybe Fury wouldn’t do anything bad, maybe he just wanted to know how things were with Steve. Maybe, maybe... probably not, most likely not. Fuck.

He knocked on the Directors door, lightly, hoping the other man wouldn’t even hear... then he could leave right?

“Come in.” Fury barked from the other side of the door. His voice shook through Steve like a hurricane. Please, Steve, you’ve punched nazis in the face... this-this is nothing, he thought to himself. 

He shakily opened the door, peaking his head in and eventually walking inside. There was only one person that could bring the Captain America to his knees, and that was the one-eyed man sitting in front of him with a stern look his face. The director nodded toward the seat in front of his desk, and Steve sat in it. It creaked, trying to hold the man. Steve refrained from rolling his eyes. Who the fuck still had wooden chairs in their office? 

“I think you know why you’re here.” Fury sighed, showing he didn’t want to have this conversation anymore than Steve. 

“Tony?” 

“Yes.” Fury nodded, closing his eyes. He thought Tony had been a little shit, in the beginning, but that man’s past... well it’s nothing if not an excuse. Tony has been a prisoner of war... he’s been betrayed, and almost killed more times than anyone should be. Tony could be a dick, that was fine. In some sense he earn the right to be cold to people he doesn’t trust. But, Fury did want Tony to trust the team, to trust SHEILD. He didn’t at first... but eventually he did.That was all Fury ever wanted. One fully functioning team. Those are hard to get. Steve didn’t seem to understand that. 

“I told you, when you and Tony had originally started... interacting that if you did anything wrong, you’re not only fucking over Tony but the team too.” 

“I know.” Steve sucked in. 

“No, you don’t. We’re back to level one, no fuck that were on fucking level negative thirty-seven! And whose fault is that?” 

“Mine... Bucky?” 

“You were correct the first try. I’m not blaming this on Barnes. James is a good solider, good man. He doesn’t deserve the guilt of having all this shit dumped on him.” 

“But I do?” Steve accused rather aggressively. 

“Yes. You do.” 

“In all fairness sir-“ 

“In all fairness you’re a dick, and you’re off the team. I don’t want you anywhere near Mr.Stark or Mr.Barnes. You can hand in your uniform and find a room because you’re never leaving here.” 

“Sir...” 

“I think it’s best, and my opinion is the only one that matters.”


	13. Hands To Myself

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One; this story is very, very angsty so I’m going to lighten it up the next couple chapter with a shijjjjjjtt ton of ironpanther (and of course more more more ironpanther for the rest of the story) the porn in this chapter will be continued next chapter so stay around for that ;)
> 
> Two; I saw black panther and holy fuck it was amazing!!! Brilliant. I loved it so much

Tony was bored... sitting all alone in his flat. Nobody really knew what to do with him. He wasn’t much use in fixing the hacking... or anything else. He felt useless. It sucked. 

He paced around, looking around. Though he’s been living here, he still hadn’t taken a good look around. The walls were beige, except for the one in the parlour that blend into the kitchen area. That wall was made of glass and gave a huge, scary view of the city around him. He had mentioned wanting to go out of the tower but Pepper and Natasha had just silently shook their heads. 

He found himself in his closet. It was big, almost the size of his bedroom. He sat on the bench that laid in the centre, humming a tune under his breath. Dr.Banner had suggested listening to music in order to help get his memory back. He didn’t remember memories but he found a band he liked, or maybe liked before, and had a couple of their songs memorised. 

“I’ll make damn sure that you never get too far from me, no you’ll never get too from me...” He sung softly, standing and walking around. He nodded his head along to the melody in his head as he rummaged through different, neatly organised drawers.

He was getting bored when he found something poking out of his sock drawer. He furrowed his eyebrows, picking it out. It was a small bottle off a clear liquid. 

“Cold to hot lubricant.” He read out. Lubricant? As in lotion? He shrugged and pulled out his phone. He had mastered the art of googling, mostly likely due to the fact he couldn’t go a hour without using it. Dr.Banner and some other people, whose names Tony couldn’t remember, tried to explain that there was a woman in the ceiling who would answer his questions but that freaked him out too much. He preferred google. 

He typed in ‘what is cold to hot lubricant’ into the search engine and two things pulled up first. One was a forum of somebody saying the lubricant burned their penis and another was the urban dictionary definition. 

 

Tony’s eyes widen as he read. Apparently, it was some sort of cream one puts on their genitalia to either arouse themselves or prepare themselves for sex. 

Sex... that was something that hadn’t crossed his mind. Well, it did a bit. When T’challa had been around it was all that was on his mind. They were dating, at least that’s what Tony was informed. People who dated had sex but T’challa had refused to even sleep in the same bed as Tony, taking to the sofa in the parlour instead, leaving Tony all by his lonesome in a bed that was too big. He understood that the wakandan king was trying to be polite and not take advantage of Tony’s... situations but, Tony was still a human with needs...

He grasped the bottle firmly in his hand, walking out of the closet and to his bedroom. He set the lube on his bedside table, stripping out of his sweats. A chill ran down his spin as he looked around the room. He had been told his tower had 24 hour surveillance of every room. That put a damper in Tony’s idea but he was still bored, lonely and sexual frustrated. 

He climbed into his unmade bed and got comfortable. He grabbed his lube from the nightstand, squirting it in his hands. Cameras be damned, he needed this. 

“Sir?” Tony jumped as the voice in the walls spoke. Jesus, that almost made his turtle go back in it’s shell. Almost.

“Uh, yeah?” 

“Mr.T’challa just arrived in the building as will be on this floor shortly.” 

“How shortly?” 

“Under a minute.” Tony’s first thought was ‘I got time’ then there was the following ‘no I don’t’ and ‘fuck it’. 

He moved his hand slowly and leisurely, spreading his legs out under the sheets and lifting his hips. He relaxed, laying his head on his fluffy pillow. It felt nice.

He heard the door open, but it didn’t mean anything to him. T’challa called out his name, his full name, but he only moaned under his breath as an answer. 

“Anthony, where are you?” T’challa called. Tony heard his footsteps approaching. It didn’t stop Tony’s hand, if anything it fastened it. 

“Athony-Athony?” T’challa question, giving a strange look. Tony moved his head to the side, opening his eyes and giving the man in the door way a soft smile. 

“Hi.” He answered, hips shuttering as he ran his thump over the sensitive head of his penis. 

“What are you doing...” 

“Gardening.” Tony stated sarcastically, smiling wider. 

“I take it you’re getting better?” 

No. “Yeah...” 

“So, gardening, huh?” T’challa raised an eyebrow, walking over to the bed. 

“You wanna help me... garden?” Tony chuckled as a grin broke out on T’challa’s serious face. 

“Of course... I’ve been needing to... plant my seed for a while.” T’challa whispered. Tony groaned, grinding his rear end on the bed. God, that accent. 

“Well, If you need a hand...” 

“Oh, my sweet Anthony... I might need more than just a hand.”


	14. Nunu

Tony felt his heart pound inside his chest like a herd of running elephants as the gorgeous African king stared at him, waiting for something. Tony didn’t know what he was doing, nor what he planned on doing. He just wanted to get off... but he couldn’t even figure that out without his memory. 

He was a playboy. He had done this many, many times before. He was sure T’challa knew that, and therefore would expect experience... another thing Tony didn’t have at the moment.

Tony lifted the sheets off him, clearing his throat. He crawled a bit closer to the fully clothed man before him. He felt awkward... and the utmost unsexy.

“You shaved, nunu...” T’challa commented with a soft smile which matched his tone. 

“Yeah.” Tony looked away. Everyone had a bad reaction to his hairless face. It was like he had murdered someone. He expected the same reaction from T’challa and braced himself.

“I like.” Tony felt T’challa’s fingers run over his budding stubble. 

“How was your trip?” Tony asked, hoping to distract the King with conversation until he could figure out what to do.

“Hectic... I’m glad to be back here, with you, even if it’s for a short time.” T’challa sighed, watching Tony’s steady hands undo the buttons to his shirt, one by one. 

“Hm.” 

“I want to take you back with me.” Tony looked up. He wasn’t sure where ‘back’ was. He couldn’t remember. All he knew was T’challa was a king... of where escaped him. 

“Ms. Romanoff said no, so did Dr. Banner.” 

“They’re not my parents.” Tony muttered, pulling the purple fabric off T’challa’s shoulders, tossing it on the floor. He let his eyes gaze around the Kings torso and chest. His mind flashed with images of the same torso, same chest, muscles bulging, covered in sweat. He thought he was just imaging but the picture in his head felt too familiar, too vivid.

“I’m sorry, nunu. I didn’t mean to upset you.” T’challa apologised, bringing Tony from his head. 

“Don’t worry, I’m not upset.” Tony smiled, genuinely, for the first time in a week or so. Tony’s smile turn a bit down as he refocused on the task at hand. 

Sex. He knew the word, the meaning but it didn’t have any connotation for him. It had no feeling to him. It gave him no instinct. 

“Would you like me to take the lead?” 

“Yes.” Tony answered quickly, licking his lips. He sat patiently, arms crossed around his chest, as the Wakandan undid his trousers and tossed them off the bed. 

“Are you nervous?” T’challa asked, his tone implying an invisible ‘why’ to the front of his question. 

Confident, confident... you have to be confident, Tony murmured in his head. 

“No.” Tony scuffed, recalling videos from news shows he’s been on. He was sassy... and kinda rude, well, hard to get would be more accurate. 

He need to emulate that. He need to be bitchy but at the same time charismatic. He need to perfectly balance those to. His personality was like a chemical experiment, if he was too add too much of one trait in his personality... he’d fuck up everything. 

“Okay...” 

“How would you like me?” Tony with a confident, deep voice, barley above a whisper. In his head, he was cringing but it seemed to do the trick as a lustful look grew in the other man’s eyes. 

T’challa didn’t say anything. He simply grabbed Tony by his hips and rolled onto his back, causing Tony to awkwardly fall into a sitting position on the King’s lap.

Tony wiggled involuntarily. This simply movement had great effect on the man below him, who buckled up, grinding against Tony. Tony bit his lip. It felt good, really good. 

He was so sensitive. T’challa’s member even touching him excited him. He wondered how it would feel inside him... rocking in and out. He shuttered. 

He grabbed ahold of the other man’s penis, which was poking at his buttocks. It was large and slightly heavy. 

Tony chewed on the side of his cheek, wondering how on Earth he was going to get the thing inside of him. 

“Go grab the lube, Anthony.” T’challa ordered, running his hand down Tony’s thigh. Tony didn’t understand why he was being called Anthony. His name was Tony, everyone called him Tony. 

“Yes, my king.” He murmured, getting a groan out of the other man as he rolled his hip down once before getting off and grabbing the lubricant.

He clutched the small glass container in his hands. He could do this, he wanted this... it was going to feel amazing. It had to if he had done it as many times as the tabloids have said. 

“I thought about you, nunu, the whole time I was away.” 

“Yeah...” Tony commented, getting back on T’challa’s lap. “I thought about you too.” 

He hadn’t... really. He had thought about T’challa but in the same way he thought about everyone, with a confused haze. T’challa didn’t need to know that though. 

“I thought about you every night.” Tony continued, pouring some lube in his hand. His heart was racing. Act like Tony, act like Tony. 

“I imagined you coming home...” Tony shallowed, rubbing the lubricant up and now the other man’s huge shaft. “And ripping my clothes right off my body... and fucking me until I couldn’t walk anymore.” 

“Really?” T’challa exclaimed, seemingly surprised. Tony frozen but then relaxed. Confidence, you have to have confidence, he reminded himself. 

He nodded his head, focusing on the man’s huge member in his hands. He was still wondering how the hell it was going to get inside him without ripping him in half. 

“You usually prefer me to be gentle.” Fuck, Yeah. Why didn’t he say gentle? He couldn’t have T’challa ramming into him... he’d brake. 

“Yeah, I guess all the time that passed... drove me a bit crazy.” Tony chuckled nervously. He rubbed the hard cock in his hands a couple more times, stalling. It’s not going to hurt, it won’t, he told himself. 

He sat up straighter, chewing on the inside of his cheek. He reached behind him, lining everything up. Before he went further, he closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He thought a warm calm summer day... walking through Central Park. 

He lowered himself. Furrowing his eyebrows, he felt a sharp pain. It’s just a bee stinging you, no big deal, he told himself. He focused on the beautiful day at the park. He would walk around, freely, without any supervision or sympathetic stares. He’d just be free. Free to look at the flowers, the trees, the people and not feel the nagging ache of a blank mind. 

He placed his hands on the other man’s sculpted torso. It was all inside him. All of it. Tony opened his eyes. It wasn’t as bad as he thought.

There was a slight burn but it was clouded but a different feeling. It felt very familiar. Tony looked at T’challa’s eyes with a cute shyness that made the other man grin. 

He lifted his hips, groaning as the burn deepened. He clenched his gawd, pulling his hips up. It felt weird, feeling something move inside him, but a good kind of weird. He wanted to feel more of it. 

He went a bit quicker, moving down and up. He gasped, as the pain disappeared slowly and the only thing that he could feel was a mind numbing tingling sensation. It was better than jerking off, so much better

He felt full and warm, but also frantic. Just as the feeling came, it went, with every move of his hips. He chased it, trying to find every and any tilt or motion of his body that would make the feeling last longer. 

“Fuck, Anthony.” T’challa moaned, grabbing the other man’s buttocks. 

Tony looked over at the other man, a bit startled. He had forgotten T’challa was there. 

“You like that?” Tony asked in a deep, breathy voice. He didn’t need an answer, he already knew. T’challa was holding on to him for dear life. 

Just as Tony was about to lift his hips, T’challa grabbed on to his waist and pushed him backwards. Tony landed on his back, feeling the air disappear from his lungs. His head was hanging slightly off the bed but he hooked his legs around T’challa’s waist securely so that he wouldn’t slide off.

“I’m sorry, I couldn’t just let you-“ The wakandan cut himself off as he started fucking into Tony. 

“I needed...” T’challa trailed off as Tony let out a high pitched moan, sinking his nails into the other man’s back. It would leave mark. 

“Don’t stop, please, fuck.” Tony gasped. T’challa rammed into his relentlessly. The burning feeling came back but it wasn’t painfully, it was just as enjoyable as the feeling Tony got when T’challa’s cock pushed up inside him on the right spot. 

Tony squeezed his hand between his and T’challa’s bodies, which were smashed against each other and grabbed ahold of his own dick. He felt up his balls, caressing them and slowly trailing his hand to the base of his cock. He was so sensitive, even the smallest touch felt like a thousand. He moved his hand up and down, as much as he could in the cramped space. 

He always jolted as his thumb or hand brushed over the head of his penis. He knew T’challa could feel it too because he clenched, hard, whenever the electric feeling came. 

“Keep doing that, nunu. It feel amazing.” The king growled in Tony’s ear, making his whole body shiver. There was something to the accent, the tone of T’challa’s voice that made Tony want to do whatever the man asked. 

“Are you close?” Tony asked in a shaky voice. He was going to cum soon, he could feel the orgasm building. 

“Ewe.” T’challa groaned and slowed his pace, going deeper than faster to keep from knocking Tony off the bed. That would be an entertaining injury to report. 

With one last thrust, T’challa came. He came griping Tony’s shoulders so hard that Tony thought his collar bones would brake and moaning into the smaller man’s neck. 

The Wakandan put all his weight on Tony, crushing him but in a nice way. It felt comforting, like a hug. Tony let his legs fall to the side of T’challa’s body, running his hand around the neck and upper back of the other man. 

“Ndiyakuthanda. I love you.” T’challa whispered. Tony smiled, but slowly frowned. He still... didn’t know who he was, who this man on top of him was. He tried to push the blankness to the back of his head but he couldn’t help but let it kill his mood. 

“Do you want me to-“

“No. I’m fine, tired, I’m very tired too. I’m sure you are as well.” Tony murmured, shifting under the large weight on him... it didn’t feel comforting anymore. It just reminded him that he wasn’t... himself... and that maybe he’d never be.


	15. Lis,Lis,La,La

Bucky got up like normal. He neatly made his sad, little twin bed, that was tucked in the corner of his prison cell- eh, SHEILD dormitory. He brushed his teeth, he showered and dressed like always. He mechanically sat on the cheap, black rug, which had the SHEILD symbol poorly made on it. He pulled out a book, a doll’s house by Henrik Ibsen, and read. He pulled at the rug as he did, sighing. 

The book was small, an easy read. He’d be done by the afternoon. What then? What is he to do? Go to the gym? Take a walk? 

No. He’d just stay in his room. Nobody could bother him in his room. 

He got to the scene, in the book where Nora counts the hours she has to live, and looses focus on the story all together. It’s a bit perplexing how the most interesting part is coming, but he can’t seem to straighten his thoughts to enjoy it. 

He had heard about what happened to Steve. He heard the whispers from the SHEILD agents as he walked by. It was impossible to miss. For spy’s and undercover personal they weren’t very discrete. 

He wondered about it, about Steve. What was he doing now... after everything? Was he back in the old run down apartment that he had moved in to with Bucky? No... that seemed so long ago. It was hard to believe it had only been a year and some months. 

But time all looks the same when you do nothing every day. 

He thought about Tony too, sometimes. He tried not to for the most part. It made him feel... too many things. 

At first, he didn’t believe it had happened. He knew Tony. Tony was full of confidence... arrogance especially. He never would have thought it but now, it can be all he thinks about when he lays his head on his pillow at night. 

He thought about how Tony had no doubt done the same... with the expectation of never waking. It made Bucky never want to close his eyes. 

After a while, it all made sense. Tony wasn’t as put together as he seemed and though Bucky was more than aware of this... he too forgot sometimes. Tony just made it so hard to remember that he was human too, maybe more human than Steve or Bucky. 

He knew the signs now. They were crystal clear now. Now, now, now. Sadly, now wasn’t then. 

Tony took sleeping medication and regularly would take medication for his panic attacks. They were the only thing that kept him sleeping. 

Tony didn’t over take them, and he never mixed them with alcohol. But he never went a day without them. Only half a pill in the morning and half a pill at night. Nothing more nothing less. Ironically, they’re what kept him alive. 

Bucky should have seen how introverted Tony had become, how sad he must’ve been. He should’ve know. He should’ve done something. 

He wanted to see Tony, when he heard. He wanted to run into the room and just see... that Tony was there, safe but Bruce told him it wouldn’t be any use. Tony didn’t remember him. 

Tony didn’t remember him... Tony didn’t remember anyone. 

Bucky threw the small book down, placing his face in his hands. 

He was thinking too much... he needed to stop. He can’t think about it. Not now, not ever. 

Tony will be fine. Tony always turns out fine. 

He took a deep breath and pinched the bridge of his nose. He looked at the dainty book, chewing the inside of his cheek. He slowly reached over and grabbed it. He flipped to his book mark, licked his lips and returned right where he left off.


	16. High Hopes

The sun seemed to shine brighter. It jolted from the thin lines, where the curtains didn’t cover the window, right into Tony’s face. 

It felt nice, a warm welcoming wake from nature. Well, as much of a nature welcome you could get in a tower. Tower. He giggled to himself. 

He felt like Rapunzel, trapped in damn a tower. 

At least his head felt more free. He was getting his memory back, maybe. He wasn’t sure. They were odd, weird memories. They felt foreign yet freeing; even if he didn’t know what they meant exactly . 

He first was of T’challa. When it came into his head, or revelled itself, tony didn’t know what to think. At first, he thought he was just making it up. The picture of the other man, to whom Tony had just made love too, covered in sweat which clung to the man’s ripped physique surely could’ve been imaginary. Who wouldn’t have that thought when they saw the good looking king? 

The way he figured out it was real was because it wasn’t just the lustful picture. There was some gloomy feeling with it. Tony couldn’t explain it but he knew something bad happened there, something that made him angry. 

Of course, since his brain was the ultimate tease, he couldn’t remember what it was that made him mad. He didn’t mind that much. Everything would be small steps, as Dr. Banner had told him. 

Dr. Banner! He must tell him that his memories are coming back! 

Tony jumped out of bed, giddy like a child on its birthday. He went straight to the mini cottage that was his closet and pulled the first things he saw on a hanger off and rummaged through a drawer for black jeans. He paused mid way through. Black? Why black? 

Those are his favourite? He has a favourite... He smiled to himself and hurriedly dressed himself. 

Just as he buttoned his pants he heard foot steps. He looked up to find a very naked Wakadan king hanging around the door way. 

“Good morning.” He said in his smooth accent that made Tony’s heart skip a beat. Tony’s grin widened. 

“Hi.” He whispered like a small mouse. 

“Going somewhere?” T’challa came closer, eyeing Tony’s outfit. Black jeans and a black sabbath band shirt, god he loved how Tony dressed like an edgy teen. 

“Yeah, to see Dr. Banner.” 

“Everything alright?” T’challa’s face fell with concern. 

“Nope.” 

“Nope, meaning...” 

“I’m remembering things!” Tony explained, his eyes enlarging in excitement. “It’s like a flood gate has been opened.” Tony happily walked past the other man, searching for some shoes, not noticing how T’challa’s face grew grim. 

*****

Tony walked, strolled, down the halls and through the lifts to the medical floor. He couldn’t wait to tell Dr Banner. The other man hadn’t quite said that Tony wouldn’t get his memories, but he made it seem very hard and unlikely. Of course, he didn’t say it in a discouraging manner, maybe patronising, but he said it in a way that encouraged Tony to get used to his situation. 

He paused once he got to one of the medic rooms, the room Dr Banner was always in. He heard a voice that didn’t belong to the Doctor. It was a woman’s voice. She didn’t sound very pleased. 

“Seriously? I thought you’d be happy!” She growled, a little underlining shock in her tone. Was it Miss Pits? Or maybe the other red headed lady? He couldn’t tell them apart.

“Happy? Why would I be happy?” Dr Banner responded sharply. Tony jumped a little.

“Hey, Bruce, calm down.” There was a long pause. “Look. Steve was a piece of shit in a bowl of nice borsch. What was I supposed to do? Wait until he ruined all of us?” 

“No, I understand but- jesus Nat… he could’ve helped.” Helped? Who was Steve again? 

“Helped? Are you joking, how could he- “There was another, shorter pause. “Tony? You wanted to keep Steve around to help Tony?”

“I hate him as much as anyone else, more even.” Banner took in a sharp breath. “But if we’re being honest, Tony’s not going anywhere with this whole safe space technique.”

“so, let’s just feed him to the wolves.” 

“Not… what I’m saying. If Steve can bring back something its better than nothing. You want the old tony back right?” 

“Bozhe, Bruce. Look, I hate having to say this, but the old Tony is never coming back, and you have your friend Steve to thank for that.” 

Tony heard Banner respond but didn’t bother listening further. Never? That couldn’t be possible. It couldn’t. He was coming back, well the old him. Was it like a growth spurt? Would he just get a bunch of memories then get suck in limbo? He just wanted to figure out who he was. 

Steve… Steve. He closed his eyes, searching his mind. He must know who that is. Steve, Steve. 

The big, blond from the lift? He seemed a bit off, scary. How would Tony even know him? Oh. Wait, that man had explained it to him. He was the team captain. Maybe he and Tony were friends? 

Tony chewed his nail, thinking. He should have that mans number, if they were acquainted at some point. Maybe he should give him a ring. If it’s the only way to get the old him back… what harm could it be?


	17. Shawarma, Shawarma, Shawarma

Contacting Steve was the easy part, all he had to do was look through his blocked numbers. He had many but only two were from the area code he lived. He unblocked both, hoping whichever was someone else wasn’t going to bother him. 

He snuck back into his flat, hiding out in his pantry to type up a message. He felt like a teenager. 

Once he was situated, leaning on some whole wheat cereal and sitting on a package of water, he realise he really had no clue what to say. ‘Hey’ would be too casual... something really bad happened between them. He couldn’t remember exactly what but he knew it was awful. His chest tighten when he thought of the other man and his icy blue eyes. If only he knew why he felt that way. 

His finger tapped on the screen quickly making a message, autocorrect stepping in to help more than a couple times. He looked it over then deleted it. Damnit. 

Maybe just call? 

His finger wavered over the call button. What if it wasn’t him? God, Tony could only hope. He pressed the button before he could change his mind, bitting on his nail in order to stop himself from hanging up. 

The phone ringed for what seemed like an eternity before a man answered. 

“Hello?” 

“Uh, hi.” Tiny whispered. He closed his eyes and took his thumb out of his mouth. 

“Tony?” The man sounded startled. 

“Mhm.” He hummed. Speak words, Tony, he told himself in his head. 

“What... does anyone know your calling me?” 

“Uh, I would assume no. Hopefully no.” 

“Ok.” There was a long pause; Tony almost thought Steve had hung up. 

“So, um, you mentioned before... in the lift, that you, Uh, could help me remember somethings?” 

Steve stayed silent for a while before answering. “Yeah, I can. Would you like to meet up?” 

Tony could feel his heart beat out of his chest. “Mhm, yes. How-do I get, how I can I leave unsupervised?” 

“Tony, why are you asking me?” Steve said with a chuckle. “Look, just say you’re feeling down and want some fresh air. No agent knows how to deal with ‘depressed people’ it’s like, uh, girls menstruation to them.” 

Depressed? Tony wasn’t depressed, was he? How could he be sad, he has all these people to help him, all these nice things... more reason to find out what happened. 

“Okay.” Tony agreed, sounding confident. He secretly wondered if Steve would even tell him the truth. 

He got around needing a chaperone, not due to his excellent lying skills but more so because everybody seemed to be busy with some hacking scandal. Tony didn’t understand why a group of agents like Natasha couldn’t just figure it out. He didn’t understand the seriousness of the situation either. He knew about what articles and tv said about him but he quit reading and watching after a while. It was too overwhelming. He’d like to think he wasn’t like those people described. It almost made him second guess wanting his memory back for a while. Almost. 

He strolled casually down the streets, looking down at the map guide on his phone for direction every now and again. This city was so fucking big; he could get lost within a mile if he didn’t have something telling him where to go. 

The place Steve told him to meet up with him was a couple blocks down the street from the stark tower. Every building looked the same to Steve told him when he got there he’d know which one it was. 

Tony nervously chewed on his nail. This was the place? It looked like a small grocery met a takeaway restaurant. Tony narrowed his eyes at the weird scribble language on the front of the establishment and then directly toward the English translation. The fuck was shawarma?


	18. What was the rule about fight club again?

Tony really couldn’t understand why Steve picked this place to meet at. Even after Steve explained the funny story behind it, which really wasn’t all that funny... at least to Tony. 

Apparently, Tony had just helped save New York, almost sacrificing his life to do so, before fall into the ground from the sky. He had been passed out of a little bit, maybe a minute, then woke up and wanted shawarma. Tony really didn’t comprehend why nobody got him help. He fell from the fucking sky. Maybe Steve left that part out of the story. It wouldn’t have been as “funny” if it was included anyways. 

Tony tried this shawarma... and he didn’t like it. Steve looked disappointed by this, but didn’t say anything. Maybe he had, Tony was kind out of it from nerves. 

Steve was tall, built like a giant, blonde hair, icy blue eyes. He looked like some type of super-aryan and it freaked Tony out. He didn’t remember the man looking this menacing in the lift. 

“So, how’s everything been.” Steve asked, scratching his head. Tony chewed him lip. 

“Okay, I guess. I think somebody hacked something and that was a problem... but, uh, I’m not included in those situations so I wouldn’t know.” 

Steve nodded absently. “Have you been... you know.” He taps on his temple. “Remembering things?” 

“Not really.” Tony stared back blankly. 

The “conversation” died down after that and they just stared at each other until they decided this wasn’t working. 

“Maybe we should go for a walk? Central Park isn’t far from here.” Steve suggested. Tony agreed and they left the store. 

They walked for a while, in silence before Steve started the conversation up again. 

“So, have you been building anything?” 

“No.” Tony said coldly. He felt really sensitive about this topic. He had been told he was this amazing inventor but now he could barely remember the name of his IA system... or even what was an AI system. He kept to cleaning his garage mostly. He found broken glass and lots of alcohol around, along with some half eaten granola bars. He wished he knew why he put those things there, or what happened with the glass. 

“How were you supposed to get my memory back?” Tony snapped after more silence. He felt like he was wasting his time. Why would Steve lie to him about getting this memory back...

“Tony... I wasn’t in my right head when I said that. You should trust Bruce.” 

“Dr. Banner? It’s not working. He just wants me to wait. I can’t wait anymore.” Tony shook his head. “I think I’m going insane.” Steve looked at him hard, making Tony’s skin crawl. Tony opened his mouth to brush off the whole idea and return home but Steve was lunging forward before he could do anything. 

Tony instinctively stepped backward, but Steve grabbed his head. Tony couldn’t help but feel repulsed as he felt the other man’s lips on his. His head was racing out of his chest. 

Steve finally stepped back, releasing Tony, and it was like Tony lost all control of his body. Without thinking he punched Steve square in the jaw, most likely braking his wrist in the process. 

He didn’t stop there, once Steve was on the ground he kept hitting and hitting. Finally Steve managed to grab Tony’s hands, holding him in place. 

Tony slowly came back to reality. Why was it so hard to breath? He could comprehend what he was doing, what he was feeling. Where did all this anger come from?


End file.
